The Squidward vs. Wander Chronicles

President Squidward

President Squidward

Mmmm donuts.
A parody of a Wander Over Yonder episode with Squidward in it.



Written by Milkmiadman and Prez



Wander : You don't want my sandwiches!
Squidward : You won't stop annoying me!
Wander : I know how to settle this.
Squidward : How?
Wander : By competing for this (holds up the Greatest in the Galaxy trophy)
Squidward : You're on.


As they compete for the golden Greatest of the Galaxy Trophy, they have to go through stuff like The Instrument Playing Contest*

Squidward, of course, plays his clarinet. Wander plays a guitar.

Squidward: Ha, I'll bet you can't play a guitar!
Wander: Oh, really...

*Plays it amazingly well it surprises ol' Squiddy*

Squidward: *shocked* ... I'm in trouble.

The first challenge starts, Squidward plays terrible as usual, because it happens on the show too. Wander wins with his beautifully played music. Squidward can here Wander laughing under his breath.

"hee hee hee hee hee hee"



Squidward : Now let's see who can make the best art!

(Squidward and Wander both begin working hard and after the cloud of smoke clears, Squidward has a stick figure on an easel and Wander made a variation of The Thinker)

Wander : Ehe...



Squidward is as steamed as a steamed vegetable. His optimistic friendimie was better than him in art and playing instruments, there was still two more challenges left, this time was singing a little ditty.

Squidward was singing Beautiful Dreamer... A bit mehish. Wander singed "Sweet Caroline" because why not? And again, he wins.

Squidward's angry, but maybe there was a chance left, maybe there was a teeny little chance, he might win greatest of the galaxy because Squidward thought himself was the greatest person out there.

Wander's still giggling under his green floppy hat.

"Heh heh eh heh."



Squidward was angry. There was only ONE more thing to win the trophy.. the horseshoe contest. Both of them had five turns to throw the horseshoe and try to get it around the stick. Squidward went first, but missed every single throw by miles. Wander, however, had perfect throws, making him officially the Greatest in the Galaxy.



Wander: Golly, I won! I'm officially the greatest of the Galaxy!

That night, Wander start to feel guilty, even though Squidward was his enemy, he was also his friend. (That's why they were friendimies of course).

Wander: Squidward!
Squidward: What do you want?
Wander: Here. *Gives him the trophy*
Squidward: wha--
Wander: I felt guilty that you lost, so I told them to change the name to your name, so congratulations!
*gives him a friendly hug and walks away*

Squidward: ... How I hate Optimistic people.





THE END













 
Episode 2: Avvie Day vs Avvie Day

Squidward : (sitting on a log)
Wander : (walks up) What are you doing?
Squidward : Remembering September 7th, 2013.
Wander : What happened?
Squidward : A bunch of people on SBM (Author's Note : In this story, the characters acknowledge the existence of SBM/SBC) and some on SBC changed their avatar to pictures of me!
Wander : I wonder if something like that could happen to me?
Squidward : Dream on.
(Meanwhile, people begin changing their avatars to Wander in front of a forest setting)


The Next morning, Squidward sees what has happened, members were changing their avvies to Wander avvies. Members such as E.V.I.L, MMM, KDF, RSF (who always had one), Kevin, Prez (for about 15 minutes), Gordok and Datlola.

Squidward: Bu-bu-but how? WHY? What's so great about that freaking space hippie?!

Wander walks by to see what's all the commotion.

Wander: Hey, I see people changed their Avvie to me!

Squidward: Yeah, that's just great. *angry*

Wander : Just think. Me as their avatar!
Squidward : Thrilling.
Wander : (goes on SBC) Wow, a couple people have been doing it here, too! (scrolls down to the Who's Online list and sees "Bonder") Oh boy, they've even been changing names to my sandwich loving cousin!
Squidward : Once again, thrilling.
Wander ; Threads, names, clubs, avatars, oh boy!'
Squidward : Now you look here! My avatar day was better!
Wander : How could it be?
Squidward : I'll show you who had the better avatar day!
Wander : You're on.

*Flashbacks to September 7th*

Squidward: The avatar everyone was using that day was the time I jumped in still motion at the end of Band Geeks. Mine had avatars and a little discussion about it and status updates... And wait, that's it?

*Flashbacks to November 11*
Squidward: Your's had About 10, possibly more members who participated, tons of status updates about it, Having its own Club, and a few threads. Although I'll give credit to Prez with the "Squidward's Not Amused" topic, which is true... IM NOT AMUSED!

Wander: Maybe they like optimistic people like me and hate grumpy people like you? Ha ha ha ha! Well, see ya later Squidward!

Squidward: Ughhhhh


*The next day*

Wander : The next day and it's still going on! Ha, Squidward, your day lasted less!
Squidward : Mph.
Wander : Well, it's official. My day is better!
Squidward : How would it be?
Wander : Mine was nothing like your old day!
Squidward : Ugh.


THE END
 
72 Hours

EntmCc2.png

(The episode begins with a montage)
Random Kid : Mister, I lost my quarter. Can you find it?
Wander : Of course!
(Wander spends a couple hours searching for the quarter, then finds it)
Wander : Here it is!
Random Kid : Thanks!
Squidward : Hmph.

...

Something that looks like a dog : Woo woooo.
Wander : Oh, did you lose your owner? I'll get you reunited in no time!
(Wander spends a day knocking on doors and asking people if they have a lost "zammazoo", until he finds the owner.)
Wander : There's your owner!
Zammazoo : Woo woo!
Squidward : Mph.
...

Sylvia : Wander, part of my mane is coming off. Can you get someone to get put it back together?
Wander : Nonsense. (grabs a roller of tape from nowhere) I'll do it!
(Wander tapes Sylvia's mane back together.)
Sylvia : Thanks!
Squidward : Rrrrrrr....

(montage ends)

Wander : Ah, I love doing good deeds.
Squidward : YOU AND YOUR GOOD DEEDS!
Wander : (turns around) WWWWWHAT DID YOU SAY?
Squidward : You always do good deeds! Good deeds, good deeds, good deeds! I bet you couldn't go SEVENTY TWO HOURS without doing a good deed!
Wander : S-s-s-seventy two hours?
Squidward : Yup. I bet you can't do it.
Wander : Oh, I can, all right. You're on.

72:00:00

Wander : OK, Wander, you can do this.
Zammazoo : Woooo wooooo!
Wander : Oh no! Must...not...help....
Zammazoo : Woo wooo!
Wander : Maybe Squidward isn't watching...maybe I can help the-
Squidward : NONONONONONONONO!
Wander : -zammazoo. Please, just give me an expection!
Squidward : No.
Wander : (sighs) Find your owner yourself.

61:37:18

Wander : Look, Squidward, i've gone over 11 hours! Is that good?
Squidward : No.
Random Kid : Hey, mister, I lost a dime. Can you find it?
Wander : (sweating) Oh?
Squidward : Aw, he lost a dime. You should help him.
Wander : (through gritted teeth) No, Squidward.
Random Kid : Uhhh....
Wander : Hey, Squidnose can help you here! He's great at finding dimes!
Squidward : WHAT?
Wander : Uh, he's cranky cause of a bad..hair day.
Random Kid : Mister, Squidnose doesn't have any hair.
Wander : Invisible hair.
Random Kid : Right.
Squidward : FINE! I'll find your dime! But... (whispers to Wander) if you pull this stunt again, you'll lose.
Wander : Ehe, yeah.

34:36:35

Wander : How have I been doing, Squid?
Squidward : Oh, great. A lot better than I expected. Now fetch me some lemonade from the house!
Wander : Su-NO!
Squidward : DO IT NOW!
Wander : I'LL BREAK THE BET!
Squidward : Exactly.
Wander : (walks away to where Sylvia is)
Squidward : HEY HEY! COME BACK HEEEREEEE!
Wander : Come on, Sylvia. (gets on Sylvia)
Sylvia : Sure, Wander.
(They ride away)

09:54:12

Wander : NINE HOURS!
Squidward : Good grief, we know.
Sylvia : (comes up to Wander and Squidward) Hey, Wander, can you tape up my mane again?
Wander : ACK!
Squidward : Now's your chance.
Wander : No, I won't do it!
Sylvia : What?
Squidward : Wander has to go nine hours, fifty three minutes, and forty four seconds without doing any good deeds.
Sylvia : Well, good luck with that. (rides away)
Wander : SYLVIA, WAIT!
Squidward : Ha.
00:30:00

Squidward : NO!
Wander : YES! Just half an hour of no good deeds! Will I win anything?
Squidward : No.
Wander : Well, it'll still prove something to you!
Squidward : Hey, look, a zammazoo lost his ni-
Wander : NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Squidward : Fine, you got me. I bet you can't go the next 29 minutes.
Wander : I can.

00:01:00

Wander : Well, i've about won it.
Squidward : Nope, you have fifty six seconds.
Wander : Well, as long as there are no lost zammzoos or lost money or messed up manes, i'm fine.
Random Kid : Hey, mister I lost my penny.
Zammazoos : Woooo.
Sylvia : MY DARN MANE KEEPS FALLING OFF!
Wander : (sweating hardcore)

00:00:02

Wander : Oh geez...must...help...
Squidward : YYEESS! HE COULD BREAK IT!

00:00:00

Squidward : ...or not.
WANDER : THERE. THERE. THERE. I DID ITTTTT! HA, YOU DIDN'T THINK I COULD, BUT I DID! I DID!
Squidward : Mph.
Wander : WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
Squidward : I've had enough. (walks away as Wander's celebrating noises fade into the background)
 
Milkmaidman said:
72 Hours

EntmCc2.png

(The episode begins with a montage)
Random Kid : Mister, I lost my quarter. Can you find it?
Wander : Of course!
(Wander spends a couple hours searching for the quarter, then finds it)
Wander : Here it is!
Random Kid : Thanks!
Squidward : Hmph.

...

Something that looks like a dog : Woo woooo.
Wander : Oh, did you lose your owner? I'll get you reunited in no time!
(Wander spends a day knocking on doors and asking people if they have a lost "zammazoo", until he finds the owner.)
Wander : There's your owner!
Zammazoo : Woo woo!
Squidward : Mph.
...

Sylvia : Wander, part of my mane is coming off. Can you get someone to get put it back together?
Wander : Nonsense. (grabs a roller of tape from nowhere) I'll do it!
(Wander tapes Sylvia's mane back together.)
Sylvia : Thanks!
Squidward : Rrrrrrr....

(montage ends)

Wander : Ah, I love doing good deeds.
Squidward : YOU AND YOUR GOOD DEEDS!
Wander : (turns around) WWWWWHAT DID YOU SAY?
Squidward : You always do good deeds! Good deeds, good deeds, good deeds! I bet you couldn't go SEVENTY TWO HOURS without doing a good deed!
Wander : S-s-s-seventy two hours?
Squidward : Yup. I bet you can't do it.
Wander : Oh, I can, all right. You're on.

72:00:00

Wander : OK, Wander, you can do this.
Zammazoo : Woooo wooooo!
Wander : Oh no! Must...not...help....
Zammazoo : Woo wooo!
Wander : Maybe Squidward isn't watching...maybe I can help the-
Squidward : NONONONONONONONO!
Wander : -zammazoo. Please, just give me an expection!
Squidward : No.
Wander : (sighs) Find your owner yourself.

61:37:18

Wander : Look, Squidward, i've gone over 11 hours! Is that good?
Squidward : No.
Random Kid : Hey, mister, I lost a dime. Can you find it?
Wander : (sweating) Oh?
Squidward : Aw, he lost a dime. You should help him.
Wander : (through gritted teeth) No, Squidward.
Random Kid : Uhhh....
Wander : Hey, Squidnose can help you here! He's great at finding dimes!
Squidward : WHAT?
Wander : Uh, he's cranky cause of a bad..hair day.
Random Kid : Mister, Squidnose doesn't have any hair.
Wander : Invisible hair.
Random Kid : Right.
Squidward : FINE! I'll find your dime! But... (whispers to Wander) if you pull this stunt again, you'll lose.
Wander : Ehe, yeah.

34:36:35

Wander : How have I been doing, Squid?
Squidward : Oh, great. A lot better than I expected. Now fetch me some lemonade from the house!
Wander : Su-NO!
Squidward : DO IT NOW!
Wander : I'LL BREAK THE BET!
Squidward : Exactly.
Wander : (walks away to where Sylvia is)
Squidward : HEY HEY! COME BACK HEEEREEEE!
Wander : Come on, Sylvia. (gets on Sylvia)
Sylvia : Sure, Wander.
(They ride away)

09:54:12

Wander : NINE HOURS!
Squidward : Good grief, we know.
Sylvia : (comes up to Wander and Squidward) Hey, Wander, can you tape up my mane again?
Wander : ACK!
Squidward : Now's your chance.
Wander : No, I won't do it!
Sylvia : What?
Squidward : Wander has to go nine hours, fifty three minutes, and forty four seconds without doing any good deeds.
Sylvia : Well, good luck with that. (rides away)
Wander : SYLVIA, WAIT!
Squidward : Ha.
00:30:00

Squidward : NO!
Wander : YES! Just half an hour of no good deeds! Will I win anything?
Squidward : No.
Wander : Well, it'll still prove something to you!
Squidward : Hey, look, a zammazoo lost his ni-
Wander : NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Squidward : Fine, you got me. I bet you can't go the next 29 minutes.
Wander : I can.

00:01:00

Wander : Well, i've about won it.
Squidward : Nope, you have fifty six seconds.
Wander : Well, as long as there are no lost zammzoos or lost money or messed up manes, i'm fine.
Random Kid : Hey, mister I lost my penny.
Zammazoos : Woooo.
Sylvia : MY DARN MANE KEEPS FALLING OFF!
Wander : (sweating hardcore)

00:00:02

Wander : Oh geez...must...help...
Squidward : YYEESS! HE COULD BREAK IT!

00:00:00

Squidward : ...or not.
WANDER : THERE. THERE. THERE. I DID ITTTTT! HA, YOU DIDN'T THINK I COULD, BUT I DID! I DID!
Squidward : Mph.
Wander : WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
Squidward : I've had enough. (walks away as Wander's celebrating noises fade into the background)
Click to expand...
This Is just amazing. :D
 
The Squidward vs. Wander Chronicles: Guest Writing by RSF


Squidward vs. Wander and his Fifteen Cousins and an Account of What Occurred When Said Cousins Visited Bikini Bottom (beware - lengthy)


[SIZE=14pt]Well, let’s see now. It was a bright and sunny day—well, as bright and sunny as a day could be in the darkness of outer space—and, as it was around the holidays, Wander had dropped by his aunt’s house on a small crop of rock, barely bigger than an asteroid, to have a family reunion with his fifteen cousins. Sylvia was not with them, as she had wisely opted to take her five-month bathroom break a little early, seeing as she believe she would be unable to tolerate, in essence, sixteen Wanders in one place. Of the fifteen cousins he had, fourteen were identical twins who had all been born at the same time and these fourteen were all twenty-eight years old, which was the same age he was. (And yes, if I had to take a guess at how old Wander was, that would be my guess. Sue me.) Wander’s aunt, the mother of the cousins, was not with them because she was resting quietly, still exhausted twenty-eight years later from the feat of birthing fourteen offspring at once.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]So for many hours he sat around telling stories with his cousins, who were the following:[/SIZE]

  • [SIZE=14pt]Ponder, who was the bookworm of the family and had a vacation home on the planetoid Massacheptune and who only ever packed mustard because he didn’t like mayo;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Squander, who, as his name might suggest, still lived with his mother because he had a magical power of “squandering” all his money on things he didn’t need;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Bonder, whose hands were made of suction cups and would congeal to any surface;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Condor, who cared for endangered birds;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Monder, who had the unique ability of rhyming words with made-up, contrived words that didn’t exist, and who apparently liked rice and Starfire, whatever the heck the latter of those is;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Transponder, who was the supreme air traffic control officer for all of the galaxy and kept all the spaceships from crashing into each other; unfortunately, he spoke only in unintelligible aviation jargon;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Launder, who was obsessed with cleaning every article of clothing he found;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Yonder, who lived very far away and whose home was difficult to reach; when Wander would speak of “wandering over yonder” he was actually referring to trying to reach this far-flung cousin of his;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Honder, who manufactured Japanese cars but wasn’t very good at pronouncing the “a” sound;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Saunter, who liked taking long walks that led not much of anywhere;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Wronger, who was beloved but probably the dimmest of the group and who didn’t know much of anything;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Exonder, who was a circuit court judge but was so carefree and non-judgmental that he pardoned every suspect who came before him (yes, I know it’s not that close to the word “exonerate,” but work with me here);[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Vonder, whose great-great grandfather was half-human and who had founded the St. Louis Cardinals, but Vonder had dropped the “Ahe” part (look it up);[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Wonder, who spent his hours gazing upward at the stars and thinking about life’s possibilities, but who became very peeved when all of Wander’s mail got sent to him by mistake, owing to the one-letter difference;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]and, last but not least, Koji Uehander, who had moved to Earth and had become the first baseball player from a foreign galaxy to close out Game 6 of the World Series; he was 38 instead of 28 like all the others.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]Wander and all his cousins looked exactly alike, all with the same orange complexion and floppy green hats. The few exceptions to this were: Launder, whose floppy green hat was always in the dryer; Ponder and Koji Uehander, who wore floppy navy blue hats with red “B”s on them; Squander, who wore a floppy navy blue hat with a tan interlocking “SD” on it; and Vonder, who wore a floppy red hat with an interlocking “STL” on it. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]The story began when Ponder and Koji Uehander got into a heated argument with Vonder, who claimed that the results of the 2004 and 2013 World Series had been an affront to his great-grandfather’s legacy. The exchange escalated to the point where the three of them decided to travel to a nearby planetoid called Fenwaylandia, where the soil was made of brown diamond-shaped dirt, in order to settle things with a pickup game. In curiosity, Wander and the others followed them. Of course, they needed Wander’s orbble juice to transport themselves there. But the juice was incapable of holding all of Wander’s fifteen cousins, and the weight caused the resulting bubble to pop! And down, down, DOWN they fell! Downward and downward for light years! Such was their misfortune that they barely missed many nearby planetoids and asteroids and seemed to be in a perpetual fall into the soul-sucking vastness of deep space! Until, lo! What luck befell them that they were approaching that little blue slab of rock otherwise known as Earth! It was of great fortune that of Wander’s cousins, five of them—Ponder, Squander, Bonder, Monder, and Koji Uehander—had recently expatriated themselves there! As they began to enter Earth’s atmosphere, they shouted at Wander and the rest of the group to aim for a peninsula of land sticking down from a massive continent. They did so until a satellite slammed into them and made them veer off course, such that they did not hit land but rather water, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, underneath the Bikini Atoll, in close proximity to a little backwater hamlet called Bikini Bottom.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]It was to their great fortune, however, that Wander recognized this little town, having explored it before in his many travels, including when the Greatest in the Galaxy contest, which, like American Idol tryouts, moved from planet to planet. He had competed in said contest here and had in doing so come to know the snarky artistic octopus known as Squidward Tentacles.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Wander’s cousins were more concerned with returning home and it seemed that Wander was the only one who wanted to stay there. Ponder, Squander, Bonder, Monder, and Koji Uehander—those who had expatriated to the planet—explained that Earth was somewhat primitive when it came to matters concerning interstellar travel, and that while they were falling downward they had tried to steer the group so that they would land near one of the few places where they could catch a spaceship back home, at Cape Canaveral, Florida. But now they were thousands and thousands of miles away from even the nearest measurable land, let alone Cape Canaveral. As evidenced by the time Wander had been able to spend upwards of hours inside a beast’s stomach without particular harm, the group could breathe underwater. But it was decided that the group should get to the surface immediately and leave the planet at once. Wander was able to go along with this plan when he realized that Sylvia would be getting off of the toilet soon and would come looking for him, and find his cousins’ house empty. So in order to depart the ocean they went to catch a bus to Shell City, but, because the regular bus station attendant was out sick and because the one from Rock Bottom was filling in for the day, all of the buses were physically impossible to board and eventually there were none left until the morning. [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]So, in need of a place to stay, they trudged off to Squidward’s house—it looked as if Wander would get his way after all.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]As for Squidward, it was a Saturday evening and tomorrow would be one of his beloved Sundays. It was an especially peaceful weekend for him and he was relishing it, as it was the weekend of the jellyfishing convention in Ukulele Bottom, and SpongeBob and Patrick were gone. (But no worries, SpongeBob had learned his lesson and taken Gary with him this time.) So what misfortune of his it was to suddenly have sixteen Wanders (and let the record show that he loathed Wander’s carefree attitude as much as he did SpongeBob’s) showing up at his front door. Obviously, he refused to take them in. Wander and his cousins begged and groveled for many hours, but Squidward refused to budge. It was to their delight, however, that a police officer should show up at his front door and inform him that his weekly community service assignment (which he was still serving for the happenings in Good Neighbors) just happened, this week, to be caring for homeless citizens. Squidward was emotionless, steeled against the irony of how these things went for him, and he was forced by law to let the sixteen in. With all of the parking meters straightened out and all of the Quasi Gummy Chewy Candy Fish dealers arrested for the day, the aforementioned police officer encamped himself outside Squidward’s house to ensure that Squidward would not attempt to kick them out again. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]And so Wander and his cousins became Squidward’s house guests and each, in their own unique way, managed to make his life miserable. Wander was gabbing on and on and on about how everything that happened to him in life was all his own fault because he didn’t have an attitude of gratitude (where do you think he’d heard that one before?). Squander, his talent being squandering, went through Squid’s fridge full of fine cuisine items, and made soup out of it for dinner, but was so picky that he threw nineteen-twentieths of Squidward’s very rare and expensive lychee, leeks, foie gras, assorted aged cheeses, and whatever other names of fancy foods I can think of right now into the garbage. Bonder used his suction-cup appendages to explore Squidward’s walls and ceilings, knocking things about in the process. Ponder, Vonder, and Koji Uehander were all still arguing and one of them smashed a vase with a baseball thrown about in the vitriol. Monder was trying fruitlessly to think of all the words that could be rhymed with “Squidward.” Exonder, the galactic judge, was chiding Squidward as he recited every single infraction on a copy of his very, very long criminal record. Launder, in a fit of despair because he hadn’t washed anything all day, took all sixteen of their hats and stripped Squidward of his clothes and stuffed it all in Squidward’s washer at once, breaking it. Honder took Squidward’s boatmobile for a joyride. It was a wild evening. Wonder wandered, Saunter yondered, and Yonder sauntered. Condor let his birds fly all over Squid’s house, and one of them knocked down an overhead light, which squashed one of Squid’s famous soufflés. Wronger was so dim that he didn’t know what to make of it all and just sat and watched with a goofy look on his face that drove Squid nuts. The only one of the sixteen who didn’t aggrieve Squidward—at least not immediately—was Transponder. Squidward saw him looking admiringly around his art studio, and Squidward asked him if he was an ar-teest and wanted his opinion, but unfortunately Transponder could only reply with such statements as, “American two twenty-three heavy, cross runway at alpha, delta, and mike,” or “Redwood three sixty-seven cleared for landing, runway two-four right.” Poor Squidward. If only he spoke airtrafficcontrolese, otherwise he would’ve known that Transponder was regaling him with only the glowingest of compliments. Squidward skulked out of the room, depressed, and Transponder ran after him and attempted to console him, but he could only ask what his gate number was tonight.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]It was a very long night inside the Easter Island head. Wander and six of his cousins slept in Squidward’s bedroom, and he tried to hold his tongue and not have a talk about personal space as he had done so many times with SpongeBob. There were five other cousins slumped across Squid’s sofa. Vonder was awake very, very late into the night still arguing baseball with Ponder and Koji Uehander, and eventually Squander joined the fray after he waltzed through the room extolling the greatness of people like Jedd Gyorko and Will Venable. The four threw baseballs at each other, and as this was happening in the kitchen many more of Squid’s dishes and appliances were broken.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]When morning came, things grew worse because a bus with jellyfish nets sticking out the windows idled outside. It appeared that SpongeBob and Patrick had returned from the jellyfishing convention a day early. And so naturally Wander and his cousins had to run out at five in the morning and befriend SpongeBob, and now Squid had seventeen pests in his yard yapping, and he was unable to sleep in the way he liked to do on Sundays. The cousins ate breakfast and lunch with SpongeBob. It was midafternoon before they packed up and left, off to the bus station to go to Shell City, to get to the surface, and to eventually make the long trek to Cape Canaveral and catch a rocket back home. Squidward, exhausted, lay motionless on the couch, relieved that Wander and his cousins had at last left. But then a pounding came on the door, and the policeman who had parked his car outside Squid’s house all night burst in. It had happened that the terms of the community service were that Squidward take in homeless persons “for a minimum of 24 hours,” and because they had arrived in the evening and departed in the afternoon he had failed to do so. Squidward made a clatter in the kitchen and all throughout the house to pretend that they were still there, and eventually sprinted out the back door and chased after them, pleading for their return, but, too late. They were gone. The policeman caught up with Squidward and explained that he had violated his parole because he had failed to fulfill his community service requirement for the hundredth week in a row. So off to jail the octopus went, yet again in the clink on the account of the actions of an overly optimistic, good-hearted, yellow, or, in this case, orange, man-child.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Wander and his cousins eventually returned to their aunt’s house on an asteroid and continued their family reunion. They had made it home quickly because, luckily, they had been able to catch a rocketship out of Edwards Air Force Base, usually reserved only for landing spacecraft, once they reached the Pacific coast, and were thus spared the 2,500 mile cross-country trip to Cape Canaveral. The familial argument continued, but Ponder, Vonder, Squander, and Koji Uehander eventually made it to Fenwaylandia, where Ponder and Koji Uehander tagged Vonder for seven earned runs and Squander for five and put that matter to rest. And so Wander eventually reunited with Sylvia, and he and his cousins set off their separate ways…except for one…[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Trudging up the walk toward Wander’s aunt’s house was cousin number sixteen, the youngest cousin, carrying a hockey stick, adorned in a floppy navy blue hat with an orange oil drop and th[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]e number “64” on it. He wore a downcast facial expression.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]“Hello? Did I miss the reunion?” Nail Yakuponder shouted, in his Russian accent.[/SIZE]
 
RedSoxFan274 said:
The Squidward vs. Wander Chronicles: Guest Writing by RSF


Squidward vs. Wander and his Fifteen Cousins and an Account of What Occurred When Said Cousins Visited Bikini Bottom (beware - lengthy)


[SIZE=14pt]Well, let’s see now. It was a bright and sunny day—well, as bright and sunny as a day could be in the darkness of outer space—and, as it was around the holidays, Wander had dropped by his aunt’s house on a small crop of rock, barely bigger than an asteroid, to have a family reunion with his fifteen cousins. Sylvia was not with them, as she had wisely opted to take her five-month bathroom break a little early, seeing as she believe she would be unable to tolerate, in essence, sixteen Wanders in one place. Of the fifteen cousins he had, fourteen were identical twins who had all been born at the same time and these fourteen were all twenty-eight years old, which was the same age he was. (And yes, if I had to take a guess at how old Wander was, that would be my guess. Sue me.) Wander’s aunt, the mother of the cousins, was not with them because she was resting quietly, still exhausted twenty-eight years later from the feat of birthing fourteen offspring at once.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]So for many hours he sat around telling stories with his cousins, who were the following:[/SIZE]

  • [SIZE=14pt]Ponder, who was the bookworm of the family and had a vacation home on the planetoid Massacheptune and who only ever packed mustard because he didn’t like mayo;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Squander, who, as his name might suggest, still lived with his mother because he had a magical power of “squandering” all his money on things he didn’t need;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Bonder, whose hands were made of suction cups and would congeal to any surface;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Condor, who cared for endangered birds;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Monder, who had the unique ability of rhyming words with made-up, contrived words that didn’t exist, and who apparently liked rice and Starfire, whatever the heck the latter of those is;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Transponder, who was the supreme air traffic control officer for all of the galaxy and kept all the spaceships from crashing into each other; unfortunately, he spoke only in unintelligible aviation jargon;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Launder, who was obsessed with cleaning every article of clothing he found;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Yonder, who lived very far away and whose home was difficult to reach; when Wander would speak of “wandering over yonder” he was actually referring to trying to reach this far-flung cousin of his;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Honder, who manufactured Japanese cars but wasn’t very good at pronouncing the “a” sound;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Saunter, who liked taking long walks that led not much of anywhere;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Wronger, who was beloved but probably the dimmest of the group and who didn’t know much of anything;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Exonder, who was a circuit court judge but was so carefree and non-judgmental that he pardoned every suspect who came before him (yes, I know it’s not that close to the word “exonerate,” but work with me here);[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Vonder, whose great-great grandfather was half-human and who had founded the St. Louis Cardinals, but Vonder had dropped the “Ahe” part (look it up);[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]Wonder, who spent his hours gazing upward at the stars and thinking about life’s possibilities, but who became very peeved when all of Wander’s mail got sent to him by mistake, owing to the one-letter difference;[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]and, last but not least, Koji Uehander, who had moved to Earth and had become the first baseball player from a foreign galaxy to close out Game 6 of the World Series; he was 38 instead of 28 like all the others.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]Wander and all his cousins looked exactly alike, all with the same orange complexion and floppy green hats. The few exceptions to this were: Launder, whose floppy green hat was always in the dryer; Ponder and Koji Uehander, who wore floppy navy blue hats with red “B”s on them; Squander, who wore a floppy navy blue hat with a tan interlocking “SD” on it; and Vonder, who wore a floppy red hat with an interlocking “STL” on it. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]The story began when Ponder and Koji Uehander got into a heated argument with Vonder, who claimed that the results of the 2004 and 2013 World Series had been an affront to his great-grandfather’s legacy. The exchange escalated to the point where the three of them decided to travel to a nearby planetoid called Fenwaylandia, where the soil was made of brown diamond-shaped dirt, in order to settle things with a pickup game. In curiosity, Wander and the others followed them. Of course, they needed Wander’s orbble juice to transport themselves there. But the juice was incapable of holding all of Wander’s fifteen cousins, and the weight caused the resulting bubble to pop! And down, down, DOWN they fell! Downward and downward for light years! Such was their misfortune that they barely missed many nearby planetoids and asteroids and seemed to be in a perpetual fall into the soul-sucking vastness of deep space! Until, lo! What luck befell them that they were approaching that little blue slab of rock otherwise known as Earth! It was of great fortune that of Wander’s cousins, five of them—Ponder, Squander, Bonder, Monder, and Koji Uehander—had recently expatriated themselves there! As they began to enter Earth’s atmosphere, they shouted at Wander and the rest of the group to aim for a peninsula of land sticking down from a massive continent. They did so until a satellite slammed into them and made them veer off course, such that they did not hit land but rather water, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, underneath the Bikini Atoll, in close proximity to a little backwater hamlet called Bikini Bottom.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]It was to their great fortune, however, that Wander recognized this little town, having explored it before in his many travels, including when the Greatest in the Galaxy contest, which, like American Idol tryouts, moved from planet to planet. He had competed in said contest here and had in doing so come to know the snarky artistic octopus known as Squidward Tentacles.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Wander’s cousins were more concerned with returning home and it seemed that Wander was the only one who wanted to stay there. Ponder, Squander, Bonder, Monder, and Koji Uehander—those who had expatriated to the planet—explained that Earth was somewhat primitive when it came to matters concerning interstellar travel, and that while they were falling downward they had tried to steer the group so that they would land near one of the few places where they could catch a spaceship back home, at Cape Canaveral, Florida. But now they were thousands and thousands of miles away from even the nearest measurable land, let alone Cape Canaveral. As evidenced by the time Wander had been able to spend upwards of hours inside a beast’s stomach without particular harm, the group could breathe underwater. But it was decided that the group should get to the surface immediately and leave the planet at once. Wander was able to go along with this plan when he realized that Sylvia would be getting off of the toilet soon and would come looking for him, and find his cousins’ house empty. So in order to depart the ocean they went to catch a bus to Shell City, but, because the regular bus station attendant was out sick and because the one from Rock Bottom was filling in for the day, all of the buses were physically impossible to board and eventually there were none left until the morning. [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]So, in need of a place to stay, they trudged off to Squidward’s house—it looked as if Wander would get his way after all.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]As for Squidward, it was a Saturday evening and tomorrow would be one of his beloved Sundays. It was an especially peaceful weekend for him and he was relishing it, as it was the weekend of the jellyfishing convention in Ukulele Bottom, and SpongeBob and Patrick were gone. (But no worries, SpongeBob had learned his lesson and taken Gary with him this time.) So what misfortune of his it was to suddenly have sixteen Wanders (and let the record show that he loathed Wander’s carefree attitude as much as he did SpongeBob’s) showing up at his front door. Obviously, he refused to take them in. Wander and his cousins begged and groveled for many hours, but Squidward refused to budge. It was to their delight, however, that a police officer should show up at his front door and inform him that his weekly community service assignment (which he was still serving for the happenings in Good Neighbors) just happened, this week, to be caring for homeless citizens. Squidward was emotionless, steeled against the irony of how these things went for him, and he was forced by law to let the sixteen in. With all of the parking meters straightened out and all of the Quasi Gummy Chewy Candy Fish dealers arrested for the day, the aforementioned police officer encamped himself outside Squidward’s house to ensure that Squidward would not attempt to kick them out again. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]And so Wander and his cousins became Squidward’s house guests and each, in their own unique way, managed to make his life miserable. Wander was gabbing on and on and on about how everything that happened to him in life was all his own fault because he didn’t have an attitude of gratitude (where do you think he’d heard that one before?). Squander, his talent being squandering, went through Squid’s fridge full of fine cuisine items, and made soup out of it for dinner, but was so picky that he threw nineteen-twentieths of Squidward’s very rare and expensive lychee, leeks, foie gras, assorted aged cheeses, and whatever other names of fancy foods I can think of right now into the garbage. Bonder used his suction-cup appendages to explore Squidward’s walls and ceilings, knocking things about in the process. Ponder, Vonder, and Koji Uehander were all still arguing and one of them smashed a vase with a baseball thrown about in the vitriol. Monder was trying fruitlessly to think of all the words that could be rhymed with “Squidward.” Exonder, the galactic judge, was chiding Squidward as he recited every single infraction on a copy of his very, very long criminal record. Launder, in a fit of despair because he hadn’t washed anything all day, took all sixteen of their hats and stripped Squidward of his clothes and stuffed it all in Squidward’s washer at once, breaking it. Honder took Squidward’s boatmobile for a joyride. It was a wild evening. Wonder wandered, Saunter yondered, and Yonder sauntered. Condor let his birds fly all over Squid’s house, and one of them knocked down an overhead light, which squashed one of Squid’s famous soufflés. Wronger was so dim that he didn’t know what to make of it all and just sat and watched with a goofy look on his face that drove Squid nuts. The only one of the sixteen who didn’t aggrieve Squidward—at least not immediately—was Transponder. Squidward saw him looking admiringly around his art studio, and Squidward asked him if he was an ar-teest and wanted his opinion, but unfortunately Transponder could only reply with such statements as, “American two twenty-three heavy, cross runway at alpha, delta, and mike,” or “Redwood three sixty-seven cleared for landing, runway two-four right.” Poor Squidward. If only he spoke airtrafficcontrolese, otherwise he would’ve known that Transponder was regaling him with only the glowingest of compliments. Squidward skulked out of the room, depressed, and Transponder ran after him and attempted to console him, but he could only ask what his gate number was tonight.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]It was a very long night inside the Easter Island head. Wander and six of his cousins slept in Squidward’s bedroom, and he tried to hold his tongue and not have a talk about personal space as he had done so many times with SpongeBob. There were five other cousins slumped across Squid’s sofa. Vonder was awake very, very late into the night still arguing baseball with Ponder and Koji Uehander, and eventually Squander joined the fray after he waltzed through the room extolling the greatness of people like Jedd Gyorko and Will Venable. The four threw baseballs at each other, and as this was happening in the kitchen many more of Squid’s dishes and appliances were broken.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]When morning came, things grew worse because a bus with jellyfish nets sticking out the windows idled outside. It appeared that SpongeBob and Patrick had returned from the jellyfishing convention a day early. And so naturally Wander and his cousins had to run out at five in the morning and befriend SpongeBob, and now Squid had seventeen pests in his yard yapping, and he was unable to sleep in the way he liked to do on Sundays. The cousins ate breakfast and lunch with SpongeBob. It was midafternoon before they packed up and left, off to the bus station to go to Shell City, to get to the surface, and to eventually make the long trek to Cape Canaveral and catch a rocket back home. Squidward, exhausted, lay motionless on the couch, relieved that Wander and his cousins had at last left. But then a pounding came on the door, and the policeman who had parked his car outside Squid’s house all night burst in. It had happened that the terms of the community service were that Squidward take in homeless persons “for a minimum of 24 hours,” and because they had arrived in the evening and departed in the afternoon he had failed to do so. Squidward made a clatter in the kitchen and all throughout the house to pretend that they were still there, and eventually sprinted out the back door and chased after them, pleading for their return, but, too late. They were gone. The policeman caught up with Squidward and explained that he had violated his parole because he had failed to fulfill his community service requirement for the hundredth week in a row. So off to jail the octopus went, yet again in the clink on the account of the actions of an overly optimistic, good-hearted, yellow, or, in this case, orange, man-child.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Wander and his cousins eventually returned to their aunt’s house on an asteroid and continued their family reunion. They had made it home quickly because, luckily, they had been able to catch a rocketship out of Edwards Air Force Base, usually reserved only for landing spacecraft, once they reached the Pacific coast, and were thus spared the 2,500 mile cross-country trip to Cape Canaveral. The familial argument continued, but Ponder, Vonder, Squander, and Koji Uehander eventually made it to Fenwaylandia, where Ponder and Koji Uehander tagged Vonder for seven earned runs and Squander for five and put that matter to rest. And so Wander eventually reunited with Sylvia, and he and his cousins set off their separate ways…except for one…[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Trudging up the walk toward Wander’s aunt’s house was cousin number sixteen, the youngest cousin, carrying a hockey stick, adorned in a floppy navy blue hat with an orange oil drop and th[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]e number “64” on it. He wore a downcast facial expression.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]“Hello? Did I miss the reunion?” Nail Yakuponder shouted, in his Russian accent.[/SIZE]
Click to expand...
This was the greatest thing I have ever read... :D. Nice job, RSF!
 
President Squidward said:
This was the greatest thing I have ever read... :D. Nice job, RSF!
Click to expand...
Hey, if I aspire to be a writer and it wasn't any good, then I'd be in trouble, eh? :thumbsup:
 
RedSoxFan274 said:
  • [SIZE=14pt]Vonder, whose great-great grandfather was half-human and who had founded the St. Louis Cardinals, but Vonder had dropped the “Ahe” part (look it up);[/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=14pt]and, last but not least, Koji Uehander, who had moved to Earth and had become the first baseball player from a foreign galaxy to close out Game 6 of the World Series; he was 38 instead of 28 like all the others.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]“Hello? Did I miss the reunion?” Nail Yakuponder shouted, in his Russian accent.[/SIZE]
Click to expand...
For the record...

This is the Earthling version of Koji Uehander:
2gtyp8i.jpg





This is the Earthling version of Nail Yakuponder:
aywshs.jpg






And this is Vonder's "great-great grandfather" (notice the name in small print at the bottom):
3098_116317996251.jpg


(The St. Louis Cardinals were from 1882 to 1898 known as the Browns.)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top